Roger Varley has been in the news business almost 40 years with The Canadian Press/Broadcast News, Uxbnridge Times-Journal, Richmond Hill Liberal and Uxbridge Cosmos. Co-winner with two others of CCNA national feature writing award. In Scout movement over 30 years, almost 25 as a leader. Took Uxbridge youths to World Jamboree in Holland. Involved in community theatre for 20 years as actor, director, playwright, stage manager etc. Born in England, came to Canada at 16, lived most of life north and east of Toronto with a five-year period in B.C.
Hallelujah!
Following the recent OnStage Uxbridge production of Mark Twain's The Diaries of Adam and Eve, I told several close friends that my theatre days are over. No more acting, no more directing, no nothing!
While my sweetheart and I were thrilled with the production - it all came out exactly how we envisioned it, from the set to the lighting, sound, music, costumes and acting - I was, frankly, disappointed by the small audiences who came to see the show. Having an ego as large as mine, I thought many more people would come to see us than actually did. And because of the amount of work we put into the show, complemented on my part by a recurrence of panic attacks, it seemed too much to put out for so little recognition.
I sat down and rewrote the words to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah!
You said I'd never be a star
My acting wouldn't take me far
But you don't really care for theatre, do ya?
Well, line by line I learned my script
On opening night I really whipped
The audience to cheers of Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
I made you laugh until you ached
And cry 'til your mascara caked,
When I was done, I knew I really slew ya.
And as I stood at centre stage
I knew I'd held you all engaged
And I had earned the wage of Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
But then I opened up my eyes
And I was forced to realize,
Well, you all know what's coming next, or do ya?
It wasn't real, 'twas all a dream
There was nobody there to scream
Nobody there to call out Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
There was nobody in the hall
There was nobody there at all
Nobody there to cheer ya or to boo ya
And down my cheek there ran a tear
I knew that I would never hear
An audience call out with Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And so I sadly walked away
I knew that I'd done my last play
But ain't it strange what theatre life does to ya?
It reaches in and grabs your soul
And leaves an ever-widening hole
That only can by filled with Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
I have heard many stories of great actors - including the inimitable Laurence Olivier - being torn by self-doubt and feelings of insecurity and often wondered how they could reach such a point. I'm not saying I'm a great actor - although I think I'm a competent actor - but now at least I know how they feel. There's an aching for recognition, adulation if you will, that runs headlong into an almost paralysing fear of failure.
But almost immediately, friends starting pooh-poohing my decision to give up theatre, noting that I had quit before and come back. My assurances that this time was different fell on deaf ears. My friend, Joel Van Veghel, badgered me into agreeing to come back as the major in a couple of Fawlty Towers productions he is planning. And just a couple of days ago, I agreed to be part of the production team for Maud of Leaskdale, being staged again by the Lucy Maud Montgomery Society this summer and once more starring the marvellous Jennifer Carroll.
So, suddenly I begin to think that some people believe I still have something to offer where theatre is concerned, and my ego takes over again. I start to think that maybe someday I will hear that Hallelujah!
Or maybe I should have found a more relaxing kind of hobby. Knitting, perhaps.
Tell me, am I wrong?
